My Deal

3/23/2025

If you are reading this, it is because you are getting close enough to me that I feel like I can share some heavy stuff, and I want to explain some things before we get too into it and the general nastyness that my friendships tend to be repeats again.

First, expect serious fluctuations of charecter from here on out. Chances are you have only seen The Personality from me, and it is specifically engeneered to get people to like me. Yes I am masking, yes around you, and no, I will not stop and be the "real me" or anything like that. If you like The Personality and don't want any of the sad shit, stop reading and tell me. It will not hurt my feelings. It will greatly improve our relationship to set clear boundries. Do not let some vauge principle that everyone deservs unconditional love or whatever push you past this paragraph unless you are seriously willing to have that principle tested to extremity.

My central problem, as I currently understand it, is illustrated in the following fuigre:

I can only tolerate a narrow, low band of attention from people. This has the central advantage that when the propper attention is available I am much more efficent then most people, since I don't spend as much time as they do being social.

It also has a number of disadvantages:

• The steep slope on the left side of my line means that when I am not getting enough attention, I go instantly fucking crazy. These outbursts are the soure of many of the more memorable parts of The Personality, as well as what is likely to be going on if I sent this to you.
• The fast drop off on the right side of the line means that my network of friends is smaller then most, and thus more fragile, so I tend to get launched into crisis more often then most.
• The same fast drop means that I am rather uncomfy when someone shows too much genuine intrest in me, esp. when not face to face. If you think this is you, I suggest making your intentions clear and get me in person.
• The fact that my graph peaks where most people's is just getting started is the most serious problem, because it means I tend to create very lopsided relationships where I am like 5% of thier social mix but they are like 70% of mine. This creates mismatched expectations and a general unreciprocated dependancy that ends with them pulling back but me shifting into denial and making them quite uncofterbal while setting myself up for a crash. This has happened multiple times, I do not think it will stop repeating without serious, concious effort from both of us.

This does not include all of the coping mechanisms and defenses spawned from this, many of which are not begnign.

If, despite all that, you are still here, the main thing I want from you is a promise that you are not afraid to tell me to stop and to leave. I am always activly working on being a better me, but I will fail and I want to know that if I fail onto you in a way that you cannot take, you will directly tell me that it is not working, and then simply leave. I know from experience that any beating around the bush stublty or "give me space for a month or two" or whatever is so much worse then the alternative. This is non-negotiable. If you don't think you can handle exiting like this, then find somebody else.

Beyond that