Recently, my brain pulled a line out of somewhere in John Marx's recent video on Plastique Tiara and it stuck in my head for no seeming reason, so I made it into a discord bio and forgot about it. It reads as follows:

terminal case of hating ass bitch syndrome

While watching CJ the Xs recent video about Kiki's Delivery Service, which is infact a long discussion of the gift economy, life in the city, and social geography as well as the geography of social forms, and I know why it got lodged in my brain retroactively. That it is true is an obvious enough fact the html coding AI picked up on it, but why only clear now. It has to do with how my gut reaction to seeing someone doing art at a level I cannot immagine myself ever at is not admiration but resentment, not not inspiration but despair.

I wonder if the reason I chose fashion as my medium is because the symbolic meanings are not developed enough for me to communicate what I want to say, and thus I cannot feel bad when I fail, or see someone else succeed.

The obvious thing that I think CJ would say is like comon buddy dont get discouraged keep working you know and the AI seems to think I ought to aknowlege my limits and be fine with it, but I neither want to settle for medicrity for my mental health, norfeel bad about consuming good art.

The funk has passed and I think I hav written this exact post before im pretty sure. the implication is I amfalling for some contradiction and have to find a suitable metalanguage to ununwrite the barber per Beer. mmmmmmmmm beer.

Anyway got an interesting idea about an art thing that I might build toward. Welll see.

Actually not out of it lol lmao lel. People have started assuming that I am an artist based on my room, and I have to tell them I am an economist. I am not sure if this reveals that I am a fundamentally uninteresting person or that